Mischief Managed!
I’ll start off by saying that I haven’t written in a very long time. As if it were something new and different. THIS TIME…. it is.
I’ve been on a “booster” medication for about a month now (“booster” referring to a medication you take in addition to ordinary antidepressants). For reals, the difference is like night and day. Some things haven’t changed – insomnia (but that’s a life-long battle, that is) for example. But almost everything thing else just feels better.
It’s a strange thing to wake up and only grumble because it’s early, and not because your biggest desire in the world is to not leave your bed for the day and to drink to cope. You go to work and don’t feel like either sleeping the day away or throwing stuff at people who ask you simple questions. You get home and pick up a book, or call a friend…simply because you’d be bored with just sitting around. You don’t want a drink, just something normal to do.
You get excited about weekend plans, and don’t dread Saturday morning because you know you’ll have to actually do stuff that day. You start making plans for the future, because you’re excited about the unknown again, and not constantly second-guessing yourself when it hadn’t normally been in your nature to do so. You look for projects.
It’s like the last few years were a nightmare of your own creation, and you’re finally awake and things are as they were. Normal. Just normal. Not spectacular or crazy – and that fact doesn’t bother you one whit.
The only thing I’m somewhat nervous about now is that inevitable time when I’ll want or feel ready to go off the medication. It’s not something that’s constantly bothering me, but I’ve felt so good recently that I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind. Since that’s the ONLY thing bothering me (very occasionally), I feel comfortable saying that I think I might be over the hump. Taken a loooooong time to face myself (and my not-inconsiderable demons) and I finally like the future I see.
